Lessons learned: The ugly truth about breaking up…

How do you start over?

I don’t see many articles or books talking about starting over after you have spent any significant about of time or energy into a relationship. Or maybe you had a short-lived physical relationship that has left you empty. Either way, if you have experienced any loss in a relationship, no one seems to talk about it that often. Its something you press through and get over it or “sweep under the rug”. Truth be told, we all know that moving on from someone you gave your heart or body to is not easy. It takes time, energy, healing, and renewing of your mind.

Songs, places, things people may do, can easily trigger a memory or thought about that person who was once special to you. You may spend months venting, laying in your bed, eating ice cream, drinking wine, crying, stalking their social media accounts, and replaying your last conversation; all in an attempt to forget or justify why things did not work out. You may think: Was I not pretty enough? Bold enough? Was I too emotional? Was I not skinny enough? Did I have too much baggage? Was my personality too overwhelming? Maybe, I shouldn’t have said that? Have we really grown apart? Are we truly going separate ways? Was this a mistake? I still love them but we are better off separated rather than together. I miss him but they are not good for me. I am lonely without them but I cannot tell anyone that because they will think I am crazy. I miss his smile and laugh, I miss their adventurous spirit. Is it really over? Are we really done? We have done this before, maybe we will get back together?

No. It’s really over.

Now it’s time for you to move on. How do you move on? Where do you even start? Good question, after a break-up, I have asked myself that often. Where do I even begin? This question is especially hard for me when I have scarified who I am to fit in, to be the person he wanted me to be. Oftentimes, I have felt like guys aren’t too attracted to a driven, focused, and confident woman; they are intimidated by me. This has caused me to shrink back and trade my confidence for fear and insecurities and when he is gone, I am left with fear and insecurities. Now, I must choose to climb out of this hole and start again or wallow in fear and insecurities. It’s a simple choice but a painful one too. I must deal with the deeper issue. What makes me compromise myself for someone who cannot understand or accept me for who I am? Why did I let them in? I should have said hit the door in the first place but I didn’t and now I am left picking up the pieces, again. When will I get it? When will I be okay with being who I am and who I am called to be unapologetically? I think we must all ask ourselves those questions. Ask yourself why you keep dating the same type of guy and end up hurt all over again? Why do you settle? And no I’m not talking about waiting for elusive perfect man, I’m talking about in your gut, you know if you should be with a person or not, when you ignore that feeling and stay with the person anyway, usually it ends eventually. What hole do you need someone to fill so much that you ignore the signs telling you to stop, turn around, don’t go any further. Do you think you are not worth love and belonging? Do you think you will never meet a man who loves you and loves Jesus (Not the type of church guy who is trying to “stay pure” but has no boundaries and is interested solely in your body. That’s a whole different topic). Have you messed up so much that you think you are not worthy? Not “pure” enough? Your tainted now, huh?

I have spent a lot of time worrying about the wrong things and looking for the wrong things. When will I [you] be okay with saying, “It was nice to meet you, I think you are a great guy, but not the guy for me.” Instead of worrying about hurting someone’s feelings, be honest and let it burn. This will save everyone involved the time, energy, emotional headache and heartache. Ladies, let’s remember, guys have feelings too, don’t lead them on. 

We pick ourselves up and move on when we refuse to stay stuck. Sometimes, you should not turn back to that relationship and need to move forward. Sometimes, the timing is wrong and maybe things will work out in the future. Whatever the case, fight for yourself and refuse to allow pain to consume your heart and mind. If you feel you cannot fight, call a friend who will hold your arms up and fight with you. Find someone who will pray with you and seek God on your behalf. Find a friend who refuses to watch you sink and believes the best about you. Encourage yourself until that sense of loss and hopelessness is gone. 

Joyce Meyer said it best in her book The Confident Woman:
You make a decision to let go and go on. You learn form your mistakes. You gather up the fragments and give them to Jesus, and he will make sure that nothing is wasted (John 6:12). You refuse to think about what you have lost, but instead you inventory what you have left and begin using it. Not only can you recover, but you can also be used to help other people recover. Be a living example of a confident woman who always recovers from set backs no matter how difficult or frequent they are. Don’t ever say, “I just cannot go on.” Instead say, “I can do whatever I need to do through Christ who strengthens me. I will never quit, because God is on my side.
Do not give up and loose heart. You are not alone. Pain will not last a lifetime. You can move on one step at a time. Start reminding yourself of who you are in Christ and how much he loves you. Regain your love for yourself. Do things to bless others in your community; I always feel better giving to others rather than being focused on myself. Learn from your mistakes and learn who you are so that you don’t fall into the same situation as you did last time. Learn to love yourself and know who you are for YOU (and no one else). Do not make the choice to discover who you are so you can “feel” whole and enter a relationship. When you know who you are, you are not easily shaken or coerced. The real man for you will not try to quench who you are to boost his own self-esteem.

Tweet by @ChristineCaine: The more secure you are in Christ the more secure people around you become. Insecurity breeds insecurity, comparison & competition. Be secure! If the man pursing you is competing with you, let him go. A confident man will not compete with the woman he is in a relationship with. This goes for women too. If you are competing with your man, ask yourself why.

I am learning that true joy is not in being pursued or having a boyfriend, true joy comes when you live your life devoted to Christ. Being devoted to Christ does not mean you will not make mistakes, it simply means, you want to live your life for him. Living for Christ does not make you exempt from hurt and pain, life happens. Take heart and know He is a friend that sticks closer than a brother (Prov. 18:24). Trusting that God’s love really does cover a multitude of sin. Trusting that your sin is as far as the east is from the west. Believe that you can help other people who feel: lost, lonely, afraid, unseen, and unheard. You matter and your story matters.
Spread the love people. Our life is far from over. It is just beginning.
xoxo

Signature WordPress

P.S.

Let me just say, there are some outstanding men out there and mommas/fathers who are raising their sons right. So just because you had a bad break up doesn’t mean all guys are bad or that all guys are the same. Let’s face it, we all have to grow up and sometimes guys make stupid mistakes. If you break up with “so-and-so” let him go and start the process of forgiving him. Your bitterness is not hindering him from moving on. Hopefully, he too, will learn from his mistakes and decide to make a change.

Not So Ordinary Dreamers- Ryan Cirkles

I decided to interview a few of my friends about who they are and their dreams. My first dreamer that I will be featuring is a great friend, Ryan Cirkles. 

ryan blog

What were your childhood dreams for your adult life?

It would be easier to give a list of things I didn’t dream of becoming.  In my formative years I cycled through desires of being a professional in just about every part of the sports world.  My formative years would prove to be inadequate in their production, leaving me far too small to continue in this path.  Adolescence would see me delve into passions including, but not limited to, roller coaster design, the culinary arts, and crime scene detective.

Now that you are an adult, are you childhood dreams close to your life now? What do you do professionally? Or are you a Student?

I’m not sure my life could be further from what I dreamed.  I am not a star in any sense.  You won’t see me on ESPN any time soon.  I don’t solve crimes. (At least, not as my day job.  I’m pretty impressive when it comes to detective shows on Netflix).

Am I bummed?  Not a bit.  Life has a way of leading you to something that matters.  When I truly surrendered to Jesus as Lord, He showed me that a life given to others was far more satisfying.  He would know.  I’m in full-time ministry and plan to be, in some capacity, for the rest of my life.

What are you passionate about?

I love seeing people encounter the heart of the Father God.  My entire life my dreams, my focus, and my perspective – changed when I first heard the words, “I believe in you.”  That love cannot be stopped.  A person shown that love is empowered beyond rational thought.

The love of the Father says, “Nothing you can do can change what I know about you and nothing I know about you can change what I still see in you.” I will give my life to propagate this love to every person, place, or space that I have the privilege of knowing.

Are there any particular causes or issues you desire to or currently advocate for?

I want all people to come to know the Father’s love.  I believe that one of the most effective ways is for people to know the love of A father.  I long to see all spiritual and natural orphans find a family.  In whatever way I can, whether through prayer, finances, taking part in adoption personally, or as Jesus opens opportunities for personal involvement in these areas, I will give my life to adoption because I believe it is the Father’s plan.

Is it hard to keep believing in your dream when you don’t see any results?

A dream, unfortunately, is ultimately birthed out of a desired end.  It can take us a while to realize that the real enjoyment is in the means to that end. Those means take a lot of trust.  In our minds we don’t see results, but the only result that we would recognize is the finished product.

God drops a dream into a person’s heart.  He shows us a glimpse.  He uploads his passion and compassion for this idea, project, or Kingdom reality into us.  He shows us the end, but we assume that this sneak peak IS the dream.  In reality, He’s building and accomplishing the dream in us daily.  He holds the blueprints.  We only saw the artist’s rendering of the finished copy.

This is why we write down the end goal.  We make the vision plain.  We write every note that he whispers about that dream as time goes by.  We’ll see as we look back at these steps and moments that there was NEVER a time that He wasn’t working on our behalf.  We’ll learn that, just as it was His dream to begin with, it was His dream to work in us, not ours to build alone.

ryan c blog

Describe the moment you knew without a shadow of a doubt that this (whatever your “this” is)  was what you were born to do.

God had really been taking me on a journey through the idea and identity of sonship in my first year as a student at Texas Bible Institute.  He had so affirmed me as His son.  I knew that He would always be everything I would need. I felt safe.  I was taken care of.  I could not step out of His love.  I could not change what Jesus had done. I was at an event, surrounded by 2 or 3 young men that I had really grown to love and believe in.  We were worshiping and as I looked at them I believe I heard the Holy Spirit speak clearly, “You will make copies.”  I would love to say that in an act of great obedience that I high-tailed it to the nearest Kinko’s, but my fervor was still growing.

This was a good thing because, as it turned out, God wasn’t wanting me to make copies in a literal since.  He began to show me that this identity I’d grown so strong in was His heart for everyone.  He wanted me to duplicate this in others.  I would give them the truth of sonship and, as a result, I would learn to be a Father.

What does it mean for you to intentionally live your life for Christ?

Since you have been raised to new life with Christ, set your sights on the realities of heaven, where Christ sits in the place of honor at God’s right hand.2 Think about the things of heaven, not the things of earth. 3 For you died to this life, and your real life is hidden with Christ in God.(Philippians 3:1-3 NLT)”

It is important to note, when you have decided to surrender your life to Christ, that your life is no longer of earthly import. This should not cause sorrow.  It is not that a person’s life no longer matters.  On the contrary, the effect of that life has increased in innumerable measure.  That life has been ridden of vane, shallow meaning and has been opened to eternal purpose.  How does this relate to daily life?

“14 Either way, Christ’s love controls us.[c] Since we believe that Christ died for all, we also believe that we have all died to our old life.[d] 15 He died for everyone so that those who receive his new life will no longer live for themselves. Instead, they will live for Christ, who died and was raised for them.16 So we have stopped evaluating others from a human point of view.(2 Corinthians 5:14-16 NLT)”

Christ has been revealed to me.  Everything has changed.  I know that there is more now.  It is my job to allow the Holy Spirit to continually point all I do and every person I see to Jesus.  Everything is now spiritual in some context.  This isn’t an extra burden to add to our mental checklist.  It isn’t our responsibility. It is the privilege that Jesus Himself invites us into.  It is His work.  He asks us to join in and see miracles on a DAILY basis, “not by might, nor by power, but by His Spirit.(Zechariah 4:6)

_____________________________________________________________________

ryan CirklesRyan has been faithfully serving in church ministry for 12 years. Ryan is a worship leader and operations manager at Believers World Outreach Church in Katy, Texas, as well as an aspiring Netflix sleuth, citing BBC’s Sherlock as the bulk of his experience in the field.  He has dedicated his life to seeing people come to know the love of the Father God that he has so gratefully received himself. He also has a strong desire to visit Iceland.  Who wouldn’t?

Follow Ryan on Twitter and Instagram: @cirkles

Everyone has dreams. What are yours? Comment below!