The lonely days…

I’ve never felt more lonely than my first night in Portland, December 1, 2016.

A year ago, I went to Portland for vacation. My friend was supposed to join me but due to a family emergency, she could no longer come on the trip. I was not mentally prepared to be in Portland alone. After exploring the city for a few hours, I sat in my hotel room, crying, determined to find a flight home, ASAP. I was so lonely, I hated it. I had a rental car and my hotel was about 20 minutes outside of the city with not much to do nearby. I sent an SOS to my people…”I gotta come home ASAP” but they convinced me to stay. Why did I feel so alone in this city?

img_2359Those emotions stuck with me, in fact, sometimes, I’m reminded of the chill winds and overcast skies of Portland in the moments I feel lonely. I feel every ounce of uncertainty and unfamiliarity that I felt in that hotel room.

Here’s the thing…

I’ve learned to enjoy being alone but its outside of my personality type. As I’ve gotten older I’ve acquired some introverted tendencies but I’ve always been an extrovert.

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I was lonely in Portland but I pushed past the fear and anxiety that wanted to cripple my soul, got on the meetup app, and found out a small group was gathering for a bible study at Starbucks. I figured this could go well or really bad but I wanted to meet new people so I went anyways. I was greeted by a joyful woman named Kiesha. She introduced me to everyone and they were all so welcoming.

Later that night, I went to a restaurant that a few friends recommended. I needed one seat and the bar seemed like the only place I would snag a seat…I watched as couple after couple overlooked me waiting and took a seat before me. Over time, I locked eyes with a gentleman waiting for a seat as well, we both saw a couple getting up and knew it was our chance to sit down. We began chatting and he told me he immigrated to the States from the middle east and loved Portland because people were so kind and welcoming to him. He asked if I was traveling alone, I told him yes. He proceeded to encourage me to travel more and seek out new adventures.

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It’s in the moments of loneliness that I feel the ache of singleness the most. I ended a relationship earlier this year and it was the right thing to do but very difficult. I knew the end of that relationship meant the feelings of loneliness would come sweeping back in. Growing up in church, they told us to kiss dating goodbye and “wait” because your husband will appear just when you “least expect it”.  A perspective I kissed dating goodbye author Joshua Harris is re-evaluating. The reality is, there is no formula for meeting the person you decide to spend forever with. Every story is unique. While marriage isn’t the ultimate goal of fulfillment for my life, I am keenly aware of my desire to love and be loved by a significant other. We are all wired for connection (thanks, Brene Brown for studying this). I know I am not the only one who feels this way, I’ve talked to girlfriends who are now dreaming about the future for themselves with no one else in mind. This isn’t what most of us had planned but its where we’re at. Welcoming peace and stillness to our hearts is where we learn to walk in the “dark” without fear. Its where we bow out of the rat race and learn to fly.

It’s been a whole year since Portland and I am well-acquainted with the feelings of loneliness;  familiar with the change in seasons with friendships; and well aware of my own sadness when I wish I had a boo. BUT this year, I deepened my friendship with adventure, 7 countries, and 10 US cities later I am more confident, empowered, and determined.

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I’m no longer anxious on lonely days.

I am aware.

From that awareness, I choose to wake up and ignore the self-imposed deadlines I’m “behind” on. Because who’s keeping track of the time anyway?

 

 

Beauty In A Broken Shoe

Somehow breaking my shoe, broke something inside of me.

[God speaks to me in the oddest ways so just keep reading]

As weird as that sounds, my last blog revealed what I’ve been struggling with, and I’ve been dead set on showing up in my life. I’ve been set on being present and not shrinking back when I make a mistake. I’ve been set on showing myself mercy instead of criticism. I’ve been set on choosing joy instead of wallowing in sadness. I’ve been learning that comparison will fail me every time. However,the one thing I’ve been trying to learn forever, is how to except and believe that I am beautiful. I wanted to really see it all the time. I wanted to see what people see in me.

Can I tell you something?

My idea of beauty is not what true beauty is. I’ve felt like beauty equates to women who seem to have their “hair done, nails done, and everything did” I am not that girl. While I enjoy dressing cute, I don’t wear heels all the time. I would rather wear flats. I’m not the chick that needs to be perfectly put together every time I step foot out of my house. I’ve considered myself the “girl next door” in looks. Not drop dead gorgeous but good looking. Still, in spite of feeling beautiful when people tell me or looking in the mirror and thinking, “okay today you look alright”, I had yet to get it for myself. Don’t get me wrong people, I’ve been working on this area of my life. It has not been neglected. I have a plethora of Christian books about beauty and purity to supply a whole youth ministry. Somehow I still missed the point.

Today, I was almost at my job (I have to walk about .25 miles to my actual office from my car) and I hear a tearing noise. My worst fear was happening. I stopped. Looked at my shoe and thought okay it’s fine. I Looked back up, took one more step, and then the strap on my shoe broke. Now I was faced with the problem of walking really weird all the way to my office. My shoes were making that awful scuffing noise and I was trying to hold them together. I tried taping them at my desk and that failed. I managed to get through the day scuffing my way through the office while my shoe was held up by a binder clip.

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Yes, I know, so tacky but I was desperate. Feeling confident about my contraption I decided to walk back to my car with my binder clip shoe on. I seemingly fixed the problem right? So why should I worry? I cross the street no problem, than I get to the sidewalk and immediately my shoe falls apart again. By now, This is when the light bulbs start going off in my head,
I realized that I could work really hard to hold something together and scuff my way through it. I could walk around trying to blend in and make sure no one knew my shoe was falling apart. Or I could just take my shoes off and stop pretending that they aren’t broken.

When I took my physical shoes off, my mental shoes and blinders came off too. All the sudden the way I wanted to feel about my value and worth was clear because I changed my perspective. I wasn’t worried about being put together. I wasn’t comparing myself to those with their shoes on or how nice or expensive they were. I was enjoying my freedom. My feet were touching the unsanitary heat-filled concrete. And with every step on the .25 mile walk to my car, a little piece of self-doubt vanished. I got home looked at myself in the mirror and I could finally see what everyone else sees.

BEAUTY.

Hopefully it won’t take you breaking your shoes to get a breakthrough like I did! I have no clue how these revelations come to me and bring me freedom but God knows how to speak to me.

Here’s a little poem I wrote about beauty:

Beauty beauty
I want to be you
Easily desired
And easily pursued
They told me what your made of
And I’m buying all the ingredients
But when I dress up like you
I don’t get the same results
You get love
I get side hugs
Measuring up to you and Proverbs 31 is much too hard
I’m not sure all I am is all of what you are
Then again maybe I’ve been given the wrong ingredients
I got my recipe from magazines,TV, men, and music
They have got you all wrong
You are strong
You are brave
You are wise
You are lovely
Yet, somehow you were belittled to looks only
If beauty was just looks, we would be in trouble
There would be no room for
Intellect
Character
And integrity
All of which encompass beauty
A Beauty that exists everywhere
A Beauty that is seen
A Beauty that is heard
A Beauty that is adored
A Beauty that is roared from the smallest soul to the oldest
I am beauty and so are you
Roar Beauty Roar

 
XOXO
Signature WordPress
 

What Defines me?

 I’ve read plenty of books dating and read too many blogs on dating, dressing modest, and purity rings. There are so many perspectives and for a young Christian woman and these opinions can be overwhelming. The one thing I have rested on is that loving Jesus gives me fulfillment.

When I get anxious about being single I have realized one thing:

My feelings are fleeting and cannot be trusted. 

Some days I feel like I can change the world
Some days I wonder why I am single
Somedays I compare my life with others
Some days I feel disconnected from some of my peers
Somedays I am full of passion and drive

What I am learning is, my feelings will change and somedays betray me and somedays tear me away from my destiny. If I buy into the lie that my dreams or goals can’t happen unless I am married then I what am I really living for? Who am I living for-my imaginary husband?

I ask myself often, “Can I really trust Jesus and his plan? Can I just do that?” Someday’s it is challenging especially when you are sitting at yet another wedding or bridal shower but I have quickly realized that I love my life and I am so blessed. I am right where I need to be and although, it is not where I thought I would be; I am thankful for where I am right now. I am so enriched by the people that make everyday better.

Let’s just face it, I am having so much fun.

 

You my friend are so dear and have made life so fun.
You my friend are so dear and have made life so fun.
Bachelorette Party for Amy!
Bachelorette Party for Amy!

 

Culture says I should be defined by my relationship status and I beg to differ.

Some of the most precious souls on earth. I love every second with them.
Some of the most precious souls on earth. I love every second with them.
Coffee times.
Coffee times.

I think that instead of debating whether or not getting married before you’re 23 or staying single till 25 is better, we just celebrate each other. Instead of comparing our journey’s lets learn from each other. Some people get married early, some people get married late, some people have kids, some people don’t, some people stay single because they WANT to. Everyone’s path is different. There is no right or wrong.

Life gets tough but one thing I have learned is living in community is life giving. My relationships with my family, my married friends, my single friends, and mentors enriches my life.

Every stage of life is valuable and so priceless.

She is my biggest cheerleader and friend. She believes I can do anything and I believe her.
She is my biggest cheerleader and friend. She believes I can do anything and tells me everyday. I am a dreamer because of her faith in me.
Everyone needs people to laugh with and lay on the grass at Discovery green.
Everyone needs people to laugh with and lay on the grass at Discovery green.
The greatest story of redemption and Christ's love is shown through the way Arnie and Jenna Cazares love each other. Getting to be apart of their wedding was such an honor.
The greatest story of redemption and Christ’s love is shown through the way Arnie and Jenna Cazares love each other. Getting to be apart of their wedding was such an honor.
These two. They keep me laughing.
These two. They keep me laughing.
Buddies. Not sure why people confused us for sisters but you all really made college amusing!
Buddies. Not sure why people confused us for sisters but you all really made college memorable.
My favorite engaged couple.
My favorite engaged couple.
My High School lifegroup- these ladies are so fun and keep me on my toes!
My High School lifegroup- these ladies are so fun and keep me on my toes!

 

I love that I can keep it real with you, laugh often, and  you are always a listening ear. <3
I love that I can keep it real with you, laugh often, and you are always a listening ear. ❤
Below is the definition of single.
 
sin·gle
adjective
1.only one; not one of several.
 
Here are the synonyms:
alone, companionless, lone, lonely, lonesome, solitary,unaccompanied.
None of that sounds interesting, exciting, or fun.
I think it’s time we changed our view of
happiness.
Let’s be honest,
life will not be perfect when you get married.
You can’t base your happiness on a person.
Learning how to be truly happy with yourself
and who you are is a gift.
Many people are still trying to figure that out.
Sitting on the lawn care-free. Those were the days. College was good to me.
Sitting on the lawn care-free. Those were the days. College was good to me.

 

I love making new friends. This picture is from a few years ago, I just met these people and starting taking pictures with them!
I love making new friends. This picture is from a few years ago, I just met these people and starting taking pictures with them!
Paid for my first all inclusive vacation to Cancun a year ago and as you can tell, I was "soaking up the sun." Can't wait for my next vacay.
Paid for my first all inclusive vacation to Cancun a year ago and as you can tell, I was “soaking up the sun.” Can’t wait for my next vacay.
This guy. I love my Dad.
This guy. I love my Dad.

Enjoy life.

Laugh often.

Dream Big.

Live out those dreams.

And Like My brother says, “Just love Jesus.”

Somehow we think that loving Jesus won’t be enough because

we want a relationship with someone “in the flesh.”

No matter how hard we try

NO ONE 

can fill the God shaped hole we were all born with.

Only God can.

Until we understand that

nothing and no one will satisfy those desires.

 

My ACE. Best brother ever.
My ACE. Best brother ever.
I've gotten to travel the world just a little and I am not done yet. #Rwanda
I’ve gotten to travel the world just a little and I am not done yet. #Rwanda
Doesn't Logan look lovely? Such a precious wedding. Childhood friends ;)
Doesn’t Logan look lovely? Such a precious wedding. Childhood friends 😉
My first time hiking in the wilderness, senior year of college.
My first time hiking in the wilderness, senior year of college.

 

This is when LizBeth got hitched;)
This is when LizBeth got hitched;)
These two keep me laughing with our group text messages and random conversations. I love living life with you two.
These two keep me laughing with our group text messages and random conversations. I love living life with you two.

 

Of course these pictures represent a fraction of the people that enrich my life but they make life fun. These people strengthen me, encourage me, and laugh with me. Guess what, some of them are married, single, dating, or engaged, sharing life with them brings me joy.

So when your feelings try to take over and put you down, remember that every day we GET to enjoy this life we have been given and that is worth living for.

 

XOXO

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P.S.

I am working on launching Hannah’s Hope that non-profit I told you all about. Stay tuned for more details. #KeepDreaming #AwakenTheDreamer