Lessons Learned: Relationships

So many times, I write things and then erase it, over and over. I do this all the time. Are my true feelings at this moment too raw? Maybe I should wait to talk about this…The story goes on and on. People tell me all the time, I loved your blog but do you realize that you told your business to everyone? The answer is yes. You see, I struggle with perfectionism and trying to put together for everyone, in fact, countless people have told me that they assume I am just a goody goody and do no wrong. This is of course very far from the truth. So I really started to blog last year because it helped me stay real, honest, and vulnerable. I convey my feelings best when I can write them out.

Well I’m here to tell you all a story; a story that began with a kind gentleman asking me out on a date. At first, I was inclined to tell him no. I was about to move to Austin, he was in Houston, really there was no reason for me to even give him a chance. I met him at work and he FB messaged me to ask me on a date. I almost said no. In fact, that was my first reaction. However, some friends and my mom suggested I give him a chance, so I did. Our first date was dinner and church. I planned on going to church to say “see you later” to my people before I moved to Austin and I wasn’t going to stop that for a date. So he was either coming or missing out on a date, he decided to come. At the end of the service and the pastor does the altar call, he decides he wants to go up there and rededicate his life to Christ and he asked if I would walk with him. (Let me pause the story here: Can I just tell you that my pride was in the way? I was thinking, “OMG all my people are going to think I’ve backslid and I’m trying to get my life right.”) After swallowing my pride and realizing how shallow I was, I made my way up to the front with him. At the altar I was thinking “this is so my life, only I would have a first date that ends in a persons salvation.” Nonetheless, I was happy for him. He asked me out on several dates and we talked a lot and became friends.

Throughout this time I was extremely nervous. I didn’t want to miss God. In previous relationships, I was desperate. This guy showed up at a time where I was really content personally. I didn’t want anyone to mess up this “place” that I worked so hard to settle into. I decided that I needed to learn how to trust God with my emotions and heart and follow peace. There are several things I did differently when dating this time. I made my boundaries crystal clear and did not budge on them. We did not kiss and he did not sleep over at my apartment. We were purely getting to know one another. I did not feel the need to rush into all of that.

If you know me, then you know; I don’t want a boyfriend so bad that I desperately want to spend all this time and energy getting to know someone for kicks and giggles. I work full time, help out at church, and I’m in grad school. I am busy all the time.

So back to my story…I had a blast getting to know him and dating him was fun. He was such a gentleman and possessed an incredible servants heart. I appreciated and admired that. In spite of all the fun and getting doted on and feeling special, I was by no means; ready to fall into his arms. I told myself, I was going to guard my heart and emotions (“guarding your heart” looks differently for everyone…that’s a whole different blog I will write later).

I fiercely protected my heart and really sought God on how to honor him with this relationship. Every step of the way I asked God to keep my eyes open and don’t let me miss a thing. At the beginning of this year I was doing the Daniel fast. I needed God’s insight and direction on this guy. Things we’re going seemingly well but I had a few reservations and I just wanted to really seek God about it so I chose to fast and pray.

After several long and hard conversations, it was evident that we were running in two different directions. The Holy Spirit made it clear to me that this was something I did not need to continue to put my time and energy into. Once I got that answer, I went to Houston the next day to meet with him. I prayed that God would show him, I wasn’t the person for him. We met up and talked and I said, “I think we should part ways” and he said, “I agree”. I thanked him for being a gentleman and closed a chapter. You don’t have to make someone “bad” just because they aren’t for you. Our conversation was seamless and graceful. I felt such a peace from God. I felt confident because followed God’s leading for myself. None of my family or friends had to tell me what to do. I asked for insight and God gave it to me. (No God did not talk to me audibly, but he showed me though our conversations what I needed to hear and that our paths were not lining up).

The reason I am so encouraged by all of this is because I don’t think dating is wrong. I’ve learned more from dating than all the books and purity conferences ever taught me. Everyone has to have their own experience and must chose to learn from it. A purity ring won’t keep me from having sex that is my choice. We all have a choice. There’s no 10 steps to contentment plan, 12 ways to get a man in a year, nor a book on 10 ways to wait well, that will give you what you want. I am not a big fan of books with “steps” to _________(fill in the blank); everything works differently for different people. Not everyone has the same convictions. Not everyone will date the same way and that is okay! For me, I was able to learn how to date someone and leave my baggage behind. Oftentimes, I find myself overcoming an issue and I put it behind me and the minute it reintroduces itself in a different form, I am running back to pick up that old hurt, pain and fear. This time I said no more! I had to learn how to take risks and trust that God had my back.

This relationship was short lived only 6 weeks of my time. (Guys, this is a big deal). The fact that I’m at a place to hear the Holy Spirit and obey quickly is so much progress. Before I wanted a relationship so bad that I would drag it out. Last year, I grew so much personally. I truly left the “old me” behind. I’ve learned how to obey quickly because it hurts more when you wait it out. Relationships take time and energy to cultivate. If you are investing your time in someone you have reservations about; get out of that relationship. It’s not worth your time. I realized that having healthy boundaries was a safety net for me. I did not compromise. I did not give anything away. This was the healthiest I have been personally while dating someone. I valued myself. I felt beautiful. More than anything I am still a virgin (by the grace of God, it’s a miracle). I love my body and myself far too much to be disrespected because a man thinks I am beautiful. Its great to feel flattered and wanted but if a man is using his words to get in my pants, then he can hit the door.

We all know getting physical causes us women to get attached. I’ve learned the hard way and don’t want to repeat that lesson ever again. In order for me to stay healthy and not fall apart, I kept my “cards” close and focused on a his character, which I knew would reveal itself, in spite of words spoken. Character will shine through, every “right” word spoken. Focus on character and how he responds to his family, the people he is around, and see him when he gets angry. Its not worth it to compromise, simply so you won’t feel alone. I am so happy single, I would hate to be married and miserable because I was rushing. I will take contentment over turmoil in the home, ANY DAY!

I learned so much. SO MUCH. It was a great dating experience because I allowed myself to overcome fear and all of the “what-ifs”. While life has it twists and turns, and making hard choices is not easy, I am encouraged. I danced unashamed in my kitchen today to a song that said, “Sometimes you gotta tell your soul to sing, even when you don’t fell a thing, that’s when you gotta sing, louder, louder!” I needed to sing louder this morning. Making hard decisions can be painful. Just remember to get up and dance, even if you are crying still. Letting depression settle over you will lead you to a dark cave. Trust me I’ve found myself slipping into that vortex. It can be hard to get out sometimes. Hard to find any footing and you feel like you are falling into an endless abyss with no way out. I get it.

Be you, be bold, and beautiful, and brave. You have nothing to prove to anyone. Your character and how you carry yourself speak louder than words.

Gentleman, be strong, courageous, and encouraged. There are women who know good men still exist. Everyone wants to love and be loved, this is fact; it doesn’t have to be romantic love, it can be platonic. Everyone wants to be accepted and wanted.

Note: No, I haven’t kissed dating goodbye. I have not pledged to never kiss again till I’m married. I plan on being intentional. I plan to take my time.

Elizabeth Elliot said it best: “I do know that waiting on God requires the willingness to bear uncertainty, to carry within oneself the unanswered question, lifting the heart to God about it whenever it intrudes upon one’s thoughts. It is easy to talk oneself into a decision that has no permanence-easier sometimes than to wait patiently.”

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Thank you MLK

Thank you MLK for paving the way for me.

Thank you for inspiring me.

For paving the way for me and all the other black men and women in this country.

For putting up a good fight and promoting non-violence.

For being the original leader of the #BlackLivesMatter movement, because they do matter.

Hatred paralyzes life; love releases it. Hatred confuses life; love harmonizes it. Hatred darkens life; love illuminates it.-MLK

You and many others went to jail for our people.

You and many others led the way and got beaten for our freedom.

While we have come a long way, we still have work to do.

Its in times like these that I wish you were here.

Times where the church is needing healing.

Times where Facebook can be platform for division and not much change.

Times where young unarmed black men are being shot and no one is held accountable.

Times where it would seem that the police and the black community are at war.

Times where the people of all colors are demanding justice.

Its in times like this, where I feel like the movement stopped when you died.

Our people lost hope and got discouraged.

Our people gave into mental slavery.

In some ways, it feels like we are back to the 1960’s Riots.

In spite of the statistics and facts, we are still pressing on.

Some may never truly understand what it means to us have a Black President.

Some may not understand this movement.

To the white brothers and sisters, that stood and continue to stand with us, thank you. I know that some of you did want to help MLK’s dream come true.While in someways that dream was fulfilled, in other ways his work did not get finished,there is more work to be done. Will you still stand with us?

Thanks to MLK breaking down walls, some of my best friends are white.

Color does not divide us.

I pray we as a black community can continue the work MLK was after.

I hope, we can have hard conversations without fear of what people will think about us.

I hope, we will have the boldness to stand up for our rights and use our voices, intellect, and determination to make a difference in our communities.

I know, we can build a bridge and tear down walls of deep seated racism and prejudice in this country.

That starts with you and me and the church.

To the church: As MLK said, “He who passively accepts evil is as much involved in it as he who helps to perpetrate it.”

 May we open our hearts and minds.

Speak with love and compassion.

But may we NOT remain silent.


The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral, 

begetting the very thing it seeks to destroy. 

Instead of diminishing evil, it multiplies it.

Through violence you may murder the liar,

but you cannot murder the lie, nor establish the truth.

Through violence you may murder the hater,

but you do not murder hate.

In fact, violence merely increases hate.

Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

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I am a runner…..

I am a runner

No, I’m not talking about fitness, although I do love a good run, I am talking about being an emotional runner. When life happens and it feels like too much, I run away. My first instinct is to get out of dodge. Avoid the situation at all costs. As a child, I asked my mom to send me away, fly me somewhere, NOW. I had to get away immediately. This is not a healthy habit however it’s something my mom has been trying to help me overcome since I was a child. She did not enable me in my need to run but sometimes she allowed it, if she could see that I would learn from it.
As an adult now, I’ve tried not to run from things or my problems but sometimes I still do. If I am hurt deeply by someone who meant something to me, I don’t want to be in their presence. I want to avoid them at all costs. This is a weak area in my life.

Running doesn’t solve my problems but sometimes in my running I find pit stops along the way that offer healing. Little do I know, these little pit stops involve people who offer love and wisdom and encourage me in my time of wandering.

At some point it’s like I hit the end of the road and I’m done with my run. The pain is gone, I’m done crying, and the person(s) who deeply hurt me are no longer hard to see or be around. My heart is healed and I’m ready to run back to where I came from because before I thought I wouldn’t make it and now I realize that I was strong enough the whole time.

I guess if you’re gonna run from something you should at least learn from it. If you run and still don’t grow or find healing, you’ll never reach the end of the road, you’ll just keep running, and there’s no freedom in that. There’s something liberating about looking at the person who hurt you in the eye and without a word know “I’m not hurt anymore. I’m not allowing what happened between us to keep me trapped. I’m moving on.” Words don’t need to be exchanged but oh sweet victory when you realize you are strong enough to face your giants. You did it my friend, you did it.

I try not to run anymore but if I do, I’ll always run back to where I came from. I won’t let fear keep me from coming back “home”. I’ll show up even if I take the long way around. I’ll be back.

If your a runner like me, I hope you’ll find your way back “home” to your sweet spot, the place where you truly belong and when you get there, know that you are better for coming back rather than spending your time running aimlessly.

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