I’ve found that since our culture has changed and we have said that “chivalry is dead” sometimes we as women don’t know how to accept genuine kindness from a man without thinking he has ulterior motives. I mean, I struggle with letting a man open the door before I shove it open internally stating, “I am woman, my hands aren’t broken, I can get the door, thank you.” When I am with my guy friends I have to remind myself to let them be kind. I have been wondering what my issue is? Why is it so hard for me to accept genuine kindness from a man? These are the questions I ask myself.
[small rant about my own personal immaturity]
Let’s face it. All the christian purity conferences ruined me. They talked about how a man should be intentional and how we shouldn’t date around. They talked about the importance of friendship before a relationship, all great things but if the context isn’t taught correctly, then we have to “re-teach” ourselves about fostering healthy relationships. I found it was hard to have a meaningful friendship with the opposite sex without assuming that maybe-possibly-kind of-there could-be-or-may-never-be-something-romantic there. I eventually got annoyed that mentally my guy friends move to potential husband candidates because we were “building a friendship ” I mean, how was I supposed to know their intentions otherwise since they were never verbalized but subtly expressed in moments? Most likely we would be friends,scope each other out, “pray about it” and live in a gray area for a while before any action or no action at all was taken. I misunderstood a guy flirting for a guy being truly interested. Let’s face it. People flirt all the time. Thus, this stupid confusing way of being a Christian and honoring the Lord through vague friendships with the opposite sex [and wondering if there was something more because the only glimpse of a deeper relationship was occasional flirting] became really confusing and weird. This is when I had to put my brothers advice to the test (My brother told me, “If a guy didn’t tell you he likes you, then never assume that he does.”). Guys weren’t being forthright about their intentions. They were playing games. I didn’t understand why some guys wouldn’t open their mouth and say “hey I like you, I would love to get to know you better, can we go out sometime?” I understand it’s hard and guys don’t want to be rejected. Just a hint men, if you ask a girl out on a date, most likely she will say yes.
But back to men and chivalry.
For example: if a guy friend buys you a gift, that doesn’t mean he likes you. It simply means he is being nice. My brother gave me the best advice ever. “If a guy didn’t tell you he likes you, then never assume that he does.”
If a guy buys your dinner while out with friends or if you two are just hanging out, you don’t need to go pray and ask God if that is your husband. He was just being nice.
The problem we (I) have is that we can’t accept genuine kindness from a man without assuming that he has bad intentions toward us. Some men are kind and honest. Some men want to be friends only. Some men want to be more than our friend and those men will pursue us. We need to learn to trust more and worry less.
Trust me, I struggle with this. I have had guy friends show me genuine chivalry by opening my car door, paying for dinner, driving out to see me, and they only looked at me as a friend. Guess what people? Because I did not have a healthy view of chivalry there were times that I thought my guy friends must have liked me. However, I took my brother’s advice and remembered not to make assumptions about a guy’s feelings towards me in a romantic way. Can I just tell you that none of these guys ever told me they liked me. They were just interested in treating me well and being my friend. The sad thing is, I’m not used to any men besides my family being a gentleman. So when a man is kind, caring, and thoughtful, I assume they want something from me. In my stubbornness, I can project the vibe that I am not grateful for their kindness towards me, when 85% of the time I am truly thankful and humbled by genuine kindness.
I think in our fear of being betrayed or allowing ourselves to be smooth talked by a guy, we start in the defense every time. We assume that a man who approaches us has other intentions. We assume that.
This perspective that they are “all the same” is dangerous. Just because a guy is kind to you doesn’t mean he likes you. Or if he is interested in you it doesn’t mean that he is trying to manipulate you by being kind. It can simply mean he is being kind. My guy friends have told me how hard it is to be a gentlemen to women nowadays because we can be so abrasive. I think we need to be more mindful of how we treat men because the very man we are sitting around praying for (or complaining about) could be right in front of us.
Let men be gentleman and let’s learn to accept their kindness without proving that we can do it all on our own. Men know we can open the door or carry our own suitcase but if they want to display kindness, let them be men. There are still good men out there.