(Disclaimer: due to my move to ATX, I have not done a good job about writing every day and posting it. sorry people)
I can’t tell you how many people have said these words: “You are perfect” “You are right next to Jesus” “You probably don’t do anything wrong.” The list could go on. For me, I hate hearing those words. It makes me feel like I have this standard of perfectionism that I have to live up to. What happens when I fail or falter? Will those people still be around to cheer me on? What will they say then? What will they say when they see my mess and imperfections? My weaknesses? I used to strive for perfectionism and I was left empty.
I don’t strive to be perfect anymore. I felt like I had to live up to people’s words and if I didn’t then I would be viewed differently. I am not striving for perfection. I find myself oftentimes telling people, “I will fail you. I will hurt your feelings. I am not perfect.” Something in me doesn’t want people to expect perfection and then get disappointed when they see a display of my flesh. Let’s face it, I am human. I have a flesh, I am not nice all the time. I am not gracious and merciful all the time. I am wrong sometimes. I fail and I falter. I have done things I regret. I have made mistakes. I don’t have it all together. I don’t get things right all the time. I don’t. Growing up in church, going to Bible school, going to a Christian university and getting my associates in Biblical Studies, doesn’t make me perfect. It doesn’t make me a better Christian. None of it. None of it matters really. I could do all that stuff and still be empty.
It’s not the doing “stuff” that matters. The heart behind what we are doing is what really matters. Why do I love people? Because Jesus loves me in spite of the fact that I am a mess and utterly lost without him. Why do I love families and children? Because Jesus healed my broken heart when my family when through a tough time and I want to share that love and compassion with others. Why do I love missions? Because I am apart of something bigger than myself and I learn to lay my selfishness down. Why do I give? Because I know what it is like to go without.
I don’t have it all together and I am not trying to. I am endeavoring to seek God and make him first in all that I do. I believe out of a genuine love for Christ, he takes all my mess and mistakes and forms something beautiful out of it because he loves me and I desire to know him.
Last year I didn’t really read my Bible. I was searching for answers. Comparing myself to others and unfulfilled. This past year has led me to a place of growth and healing in such a big way. So much so, that when I felt the nudge to move to Austin, I moved. I moved because I knew that I needed a change. I knew that I needed to trust God over my fears. For the first time, I did something without wanting all the answers and knowing every detail. I trusted God. I can’t tell you all how hard that has been for me, however, trusting God with this move has been the best thing I have ever done. So much has fallen into place and it has taught me that no matter where I am, God see’s me. He knows where I need to be. Now, I didn’t hear God audibly say, “Faitth move to Austin.” I felt peace in my spirit when I prayed about moving, job opportunities opened up, people approached me and said things that confirmed what I personally prayed about. So the rest is history. Here I am in ATX. Loving my job and this grand new adventure.
So here I am an imperfect woman who has been incredibly humbled. Jesus rescued me (Psalms 18:19) from bitterness,shame, perfectionism, hurt, and pain. I choose to live and love from a place of humility because I have been forgiven much so I choose to love much (Luke 7:47). This love and forgiveness inspires me to grow as a woman and continue to seek God’s face.
Anyone else out there struggling with fear? Perfectionism? How did you overcome it or what have you learned from it?
I love journeying through life with you all.